FAMILY CRISIS [By: Kareem Oluwatimileyin]
Episode 1
(There was a loud bang on the door at the family house of Mr. Owolabi that morning. It was Mr. Owolabi. He was looking very dirty, smelling and worn out after having a wonderful night rest in the gutter beside his house. After knocking for a long time without response from anybody, he started shouting at the top of his voice disturbing the peace of the neighbourhood.)Mr. Owolabi: God what kind of animals are living in this house for God sake. Kunle you better open this door before I break it, break your head, and have that coconut head of yours for breakfast this morning.
(Meanwhile, his family were already awake about to have their morning devotion. His family consists his wife and his five kids. His wife who was a fat, dark and very tall woman was popularly known within the neighbourhood as a very prayerful woman and was nicknamed “Iya Adura”. Kunle was the eldest child, he was followed by the most gentle girl in the house Nike and then Ewa was the third child, unfortunately she was followed by the black sheep of the family, Gbenga and the last born of the house whose name was titi. )
Kunle: (On hearing his father threats, he started shaking) mummy please I will open the door oo do you want daddy to kill me?
Iya Adura: (She looked at him with a devilish eye and held his ears) if you know that it is this same breast on my chest (shaking her huge breasts together) that you sucked,
try and open that door for your father. Well I don’t blame you. After all you are taking after your father little by little.
Kunle kept quiet and was just perambulating in the parlour while the other children with their mother continued with the morning devotion. Back outside Mr. Owolabi who was already tired of shouting picked up a stone and was trying to break the door.)
Mr. Owolabi: This boy should just be praying I don’t enter this house because, ehn I will so kill somebody in this house today. He would tell me who the head of the family between me and that stupid woman he calls his mother.
Kunle: daddy I’m coming I’m looking for the key oo
Mr. Owolabi: may thunder fire your mouth there.
(Kunle looked at is mother for confirmation but she nodded a no answer to him)
Kunle: see mummy, is not you that the man will pour aggression on, so me I will go and open the door because me I cannot come and let anybody start disturbing my life this early morning o. Me I don pass that level.
Iya Adura: me I knew you were a bastard right from time... sometimes I use to wonder if I was the one that gave birth to you.
[She left the parlour angrily and went to the back of the building to check her hens]
[Kunle went towards the door and then stopped in front of the door and said a short prayer. He then opened the door slowly awaiting the wrath of his father. Immediately he opened the door, he received two resounding slaps on his face and off he went to the ground shouting like they have put alligator pepper in his anus. Mr Owolabi now stepping on him as he is on the ground.]
Mr Owolabi: stupid boy have told you I will still kill you one day.... see let me tell you the truth, your mother had you after sleeping with several men and she brought to my house only for you to be eating my food and you don’t want to respect me ehn...
[Immediately, Gbenga ran out of the parlour to the back of the house to call his mother who was aware of what was going on inside]
Gbenga: mummy, mummy, mummy!!
[He kept on shouting but she did not answer him. As he got to where she was standing he called twice and as he was about to call mummy again.]
Iya Adura: if you call my name one more time, I will land you a dirty slap that will pull down all walls of Jericho in your life, or you think is just the shout of the children of Israel that could pull down the walls of Jericho down abi.”Oti ka bible e de be” Were you not there when I told that stupid boy not to open the door for your father.
[She continued what she was doing and was singing while Gbenga stood at her back. After sometime, she paused and thought.]
Iya Adura: is something even wrong with me, shay this stupid man will not kill my son for me like this.
Kunle: Yes now.
[She left what she was doing immediately and ran towards the house with Gbenga who was walking sluggishly at her back. As she was about to open the door, she heard a loud noise coming from the cage where her chicken was.]
Iya Adura: what is that noise?
Kunle: mummy I don’t know oo
Iya Adura: oya go and check what happened because I just hope it is not my chicken cage that fell.
[Gbenga walked back to where the cage was... while she waited for him. In the process, she was silent for some minutes and thought to herself.]
Iya Adura: he can’t kill him. That’s his first son
[Inside the parlour, Mr. Owolabi was already seated on the cushion watching television as Kunle was sweating profusely as a result of the frog jump which he was doing lazily while the other children knelt down and raised their hands up. The girls were angrily looking at their father who was already dozing off and then titi broke the silence]
Titi: I wonder why mummy will go and marry this kind of man. I will still run away from this house one day. I can’t just imagine it. This man still treats us like children. Blood of Nebuchadnezzar! Ewa I will be 14 this year and yet am still kneeling down like as if am still a baby
Ewa: what will I now say or what will Nike or Kunle say if you are talking about age. For Moses sake, Kunle is 19 years old. Hmmm me I just keep wondering how mummy settled down and marry this kind of man
Titi: am sure they must have forced her to marry him sef because can’t you see how ugly he is and mummy is very ermmm... pretty.
Ewa: am sure is that mummy’s father that must have arranged the package because that man likes money too much.
[As Ewa finished making that statement, Mr Owolabi sprang up on his feet like some one that was been chased in his dreams. He walked towards Nike scratching his manhood roughly. Still staggering due to the influence of the alcohol he had taken. Nike was already shaking and moving backwards. While Titi and Ewa stood up and ran to the other side of the parlour where Kunle was doing his frog jump. He looked at them and then he continued moving towards Nike.]
Mr. Owolabi: he removed his belt from his waist and stretched it.. “may Nebuchadnezzar help you if you move and inch again”
Nike: [already crying] “daddy please I did not do anything naw
Mr. Owolabi: you this little witch.. ahh so you think I was sleeping abi. I heard everything you were saying about me. So me your father i am a stupid man abi, i am a foolish man, i am a drunkard. I will so kill you today.
Nike: she placed her hand on her head and was nodding her head “daddy u no i can’t say that to u daddy
Mr. Owolabi: would you shut up your dirty mouth. He raised his hand to give her a slap
Iya Adura: she walked in with Gbenga. “if your hand should touch that girl, i promise you, that will be the last action with that hand (she placed her hand on the ground and placed it into her mouth and then raised it up into the air).
(Mr. Owolabi’s hand still on the air, he was so shocked at that statement and then he brought his hand down slowly. Still confused, Nike ran to her mother crying. )
Mr. Owolabi: are you talking to me.
Iya Adura: yes of course and I was very serious about it
Mr Owolabi :( places his hand on his head) Jesus Christ of equilibrium, this woman has finally taken over the house. So are you trying to say that I can’t scold my children again in this house? (He looked around the house to be sure of what was happening). Ehen, (he paused for a while, looked up and was nodding his head like someone that has swallowed the spit of a lizard) and they told me that time oo that this woman is a witch and that i should not marry this woman but i still went ahead to go and marry this woman. (He paused again and then broke the silence). No, it is not possible; this woman must have used charm for me to have married her.
Iya Adura: (now laughing) see this useless man oo, it is now that you know that i am a witch abi. (Now facing her children and was now talking calmly) see my children, it is good to be obedient. What an elderly person would see while sitting down, with experience my children i can boldly tell you that you will never see it even if you climb the top of the tallest iroko tree. You see when i was much younger and was still courting this useless man, we both went to see my parents to tell them about our marriage plans. This made my mother go to our pastor for prayers about it. It was then revealed to the pastor that i should not marry this man and so my parents warned me to leave this man alone and go for another person that they chose for me but i refused because i was deeply in love then. Not until after our marriage i knew that he must have used charm to marry me.
(Now tears was already dropping from her eyes after telling her children the story of her life and so the girls were sympathising with them while the boys stood there watching the scene)
Mr Owolabi: kai witches can so pretend....
Iya Adura: (she moved towards her husband angrily and started hitting his chest) see, it is your mother, your sister, your grandmother that is a witch.
Mr Owolabi: Did you just call Iya Asake a witch (referring to his mother) abi my innocent grandmother
Iya Adura: yes i did and what will you do (she removed her scarf from her head and tie it round her waist) you can do nothing than a dead rat.
Mr Owolabi: you are still talking abi (looking for something he would use to hit her)
(all the children knelt down and was now begging their father because they knew his intention)
Iya Adura: (still standing confidently) if you guys don’t stand up with immediate effect now i will make sure nobody eats in this house for the next 24 hours. Because as for this useless man he is not even eating except you all want to join him in the fasting
Nike: (she stood up angrily) mummy is okay joor. (She went to her mother’s back and faced her father ) she is sorry sir
Iya Adura: who is sorry? (Facing Nike who was now standing at back). Better be careful (as she was about turning her head back, she received a resounding slap and then series of blows followed it)
Children: (the boys trying to hold their father while the girls where kneeling begging their father)
Iya Adura: you must kill me oo... If you don’t kill me today ehen... (Holding her husband’s shirt)
Mr Owolabi: (now trying to free himself) this woman I will just kill her oo... Hmm this children better warn your mother before i will kill somebody ... i am talking my own now oo before what happened to my grandmother’s younger sister’s daughter’ best friend’s house girl will happen again in our family..
[Still struggling with each other, a song started playing from the clock that was at the other side which made everybody pause wondering what was happening because the alarm only blew when their father had something very important to do].
Mr Owolabi: [he left his wife and went to where the clock was hanged and brought it down... he looked at the time closely and also looked at the one on his wrist.] may God punish you Gbenga if it is what i am thinking that just happened
Gbenga: [on hearing that, he was already shaking] sir i did not do anything. As you told me to put it , is so i did it oo
Mr Owolabi: Jesus Christ and you are even proud to talk. You mean to tell me that the money i am spending to send you to school is all a waste
Gbenga: no...oo daddy ask everybody in my school i am very brilliant. Stammering] even you know that you took me to a very competitive school and yet i still come out 35 out 37 people shay i didn’t try ni.
The other children who were now on the floor trying to pet their mother from crying all burst into laughter except for titi who was having a kind of a guilty facial expression
Mr Owolabi: can you imagine what this boy is saying from his dirty mouth. Well that story is for another time. I told you that i had a job interview and so i told you to set the alarm abi? [dragging his ears] What time did i tell you to set for the alarm to blow?
Gbenga: [showing a confused faced] you told me 7:30 am and so to be on the safer side i put it in 7:25.. Sorry sir did it sound too early
Owolabi: chai.. you are a total waste this boy.. so i will now be asking you question if it was 7:25 abi... i told you 7:30 and the clock started singing 8:00
Gbenga :jesus Christ.. enemies from my father side are at work oo
Mr Owolabi: which enemies
Gbenga: I swear to God daddy is 7:25 that I put oo. I put the long hand in seven, the middle hand in two and the short hand in five
Ewa: [burst into laughter] Gbenga i knew you would forget.. Was that how i set it for you
Gbenga: [trying to wink at ewa so that she would not continue]
Mr Owolabi : so who now changed the time if you set the time to 7:25
All the children started looking at themselves with no body to answer
Mr Owolabi: i know that nobody will answer.. your mother has bewitched all of you to the extent that you don’t want me to get a job. You people should better pray that they allow me do the interview..[ he was hitting his hand on the table] what am i even saying.. better pray i get the job if not.. if not.. i comment my reserve.
They held hands and started praying like someone that has been forgotten by a plane in a bus stop
Mr Owolabi: thats better for you people.. and don’t think i have forgotten oo, im giving all of you till evening when I’m back from my interview, it is then you will know that its the enemies from your mother’s side that are at work if you don’t tell me the person that changed the time.
He checked the time again, it was already 8:15 and then he rushed into the bathroom living his family in the parlour
The three girls took their mum inside the house while the boys sat on the cushion gisting
Gbenga: tunde i swear you fall hands oo
Tunde: what did i do naw
Gbenga: imagine that man was beating mummy and you could not even do anything. You will now come and be using me as training bag abi
From the toilet Mr. Owolabi shouted
Mr Owolabi: hope my car is already removing sparkling stars am already done ooo
The boys dashed out of the Parlour
Curtain closes.
Anticipating: Twinsax - kilolese ft. Prospa tytman [Arriving - October 4th]
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